3/1/12 Confession: an open aknowledgement of feelings; something admitted or disclosed
Today was one of the more difficult days recently. And it lasted all day. Often, things will start off badly, then improve through the day. Or there will be moments which are extremely challenging.
T** awoke early as usual, and was up by 7:15 for breakfast. I asked him if he wanted eggs for breakfast. His response was a halting “cut in chunks” or something like that. I tried to clarify “the kind you beat up or the kind with the yellow runny”. Finally we figured out, scrambled was the choice. After breakfast, he was going to be showered. But when he stood up, he started leaning towards me, looking at me, but not seeing me. It was like he couldn’t hear me either. This has happened before, usually when his blood pressure drops. So, I finally got him down on the floor and lying down – where he stayed for about an hour. No need put all details in, but eventually he was showered. The shaving was a chore, even with the electric razor. At least, he didn’t confuse the toothpaste with the shaving cream like last week. Often, like today - I shave him myself to be sure he gets a nice close shave.
Later, we had our late morning “coke”….as in coca cola! J About this time, he seemed to think we had people in the house and was very concerned about it. I assured him it was only the two of us. After his lunch and a nap, we were preparing to leave for an early dinner with Don and Carol Speight. Whenever we have plans, I usually tell T** at the last minute b/c he gets very concerned about the details. The same was true today….he was very worried we would not be there when we should be.
We made it, and during dinner, he barely spoke. This is not unusual either, now. He seemed to listen to the conversation, but is unable to join in. We had bought a birthday card for Don whose b’day was today. T** signed the card, but I had to tell him what to write….and spell happy birthday for him - one letter at a time. This is sad. He is a very intelligent man who always took great pains to spell correctly and use correct grammar. When we got home, things were still not “there”….he could not follow the simplest direction when getting ready for bed. I had to repeat things over and over and end up dressing him. Finally, he was in bed by 8pm. I felt relief….that I could have some uninterrupted time….and guilty for feeling relief. That is one of the constant “rubs” ….i desperately need time alone, but I feel guilty if I do something without him, even go to my room and do facebook or read. We have recently increased his medication, but it is not working. Significant. Times are changing again. We are not on a plateau….we seem to be on a more slippery slope. I have no tears anymore; sometimes I am torn between tears and some kind of hysterical laughter.