Today I had planned to tidy up the house, finish some business/banking in my office upstairs, and maybe work in the yard a little bit. I had hoped to drive to Fresh Market to pick up a some flowers for our anniversary.
I didn’t get into the yard for a moment, didn’t get the house tidy-ing completed, and didn’t get the office work done. Not to mention missing Fresh Market. Found myself distracted by T’s distraction all day.
He seemed really “down” this morning, not interested in anything at all, unsettled. We talked a bit about it when I tried to probe what was going on. And when I do probe, his ability to answer me, to put his thoughts into sentences – is hampered. I try to fill in sentences, thoughts…but often, I have no idea what he is trying to talk about, so I don’t know how to help him communicate.
By mid-afternoon, I stopped everything to try and dig a littler deeper into his mood, his thoughts. I learned he is worried, anxious, maybe afraid….and the only thing he could convey as a reason is that he is worried about getting worse. I tried to imagine how he feels, but I couldn’t.
What could I say? I tried to assure him the best I could that God would take care of us both….and just to listen even though nothing was being said. I’m sure his inability to convey his thoughts verbally is frustrating to him, and I know it frustrates me. I can see him searching for the right word, to connect the words into a sentence
So I made coffee, we had a snack…I put on music I thought he would enjoy…but he was still unsettled. Every time I would think he might stay put for a while, he would head in a different direction. “Like a hen on a hot rock” as my mother used to say.
There have been days like this before, and I am sure there will be more. But it surely takes a lot of energy to bolster someone else’s mood, care for them, do the jobs I need to do, and try to figure out the things not being communicated verbally. I just want to escape, to shut myself in my room…but of course, I cannot. I tried to make myself available, to sit down and watch TV with him, to talk….but nothing seemed to matter or make a difference. That trying and not succeeding alone is itself an energy-sapper. So then my mood drops, and I find myself feeling really low, wishing for a break, wishing this was not my life. Literally, I must talk to myself and pray out loud to avoid becoming so down that I am paralyzed and unable to do anything.