Changes

10 days ago, I moved my husband into a memory-care facility.

That was a difficult day.

How does one tell a spouse of 45 years they will no longer be living in their home, rather they will be living with strangers?  I had talked with T about this change and tried to explain why it was necessary at this time.  But I never knew if he REALLY comprehended or remembered that a change was coming. I think not.

My emotions were not trustworthy during those days.  The feelings I had ranged from guilt to impending relief, more guilt for anticipating relief, to fear, sorrow, thanksgiving, anxiety, hope.

 I think the children and I mourned in the days leading up to the move.  And maybe still. I didn’t want to have to make that decision, but I honestly felt it would be better overall for our family – individually and corporately.  I felt God had provided this opportunity, and to turn my back on God’s provision would be wrong. So we forged ahead…..and so far I'm glad for the decision. 

T is well-cared for and respected.  We can visit whenever we want; I have enjoyed a little more independence, although I miss him. Something feels like it’s missing – and there is something missing – the presence of my long-time friend.  I realize that some of what I enjoy about being at home is also enjoyed through his eyes – so without him there, the enjoyment is somewhat diminished.

Frankly, I still experience a gamut of emotion each day. I wonder how he’s doing. I wonder what he’s thinking. I’m restless unless I am occupied.

I have known that it will take months for me to figure out who I am now that I am not a full-time caregiver as I have been for the past 6 years.  I pray T will enjoy his surroundings and be benefited by this move.  He deserves the best – if anyone does.